Too Much, But Not Enough

I've been in a weird area of life. It's like a dry spot, like the many I usually face every once in a while. This one's different though. It seems like it's draining me more than ever, but my faith isn't shaken at all (GREAT SIGN). I can tell when thoughts are strategically being placed in my head to take me down, which is a change too. I can tell these are lies, but why did I give in so easy?

The thoughts that had been running through my head were generally negative (well duh). I can tell that a lot of them are from wounds by the family. Lately I've been around them way too much for me. While the family that stayed with me haven't really caused too many wounds, sometimes it feels like they pour salt water on wounds that are still open. Maybe for this dry spot, they were the cause.

Another possibility is stress. One thing I feel like I NEED to be is perfect, and I realize this is impossible (unless you happen to be THE son of God, which I am not). While I know I don't HAVE to be perfect, I still try to push myself. I HATE disappointing people. If disappointment was a person, I'd shoot it in the face. Maybe not, but I would make it would suffer.

I never feel like I'm quite good enough for my mom (the only stable parent I've had). I try, hard. In school I take all honors classes and for the most part, get As. I'm not allowed to get Cs and even Bs sometimes. On top of everything, I feel like I need to be a dad to my brothers, which I'm not capable of now. And on top of THAT I have to write an essay, read three biographies, answer a couple long questions per biography and read a book too. This really isn't too bad, but if that's summer work for AP English, which far exceeds summer work for honors English and even IB English, then this class is going to SUCK this year. Especially mixed with Honors Physics and Pre-Cal.

As strange as it sounds, the more I get involved with church (in a "Student Leader" type of way) and the more responsibilities I get, the easier life seems. Being in Youth Ministries is DEFINITELY where I feel called. Getting to connect with other students like T-Klop, Danny, Chavez, Kyla, Bethany and all of the other students is where I really feel at home.

While I feel like I may be under too much pressure, (or maybe I just haven't gotten enough sleep, I tend to magnify life when I'm tired)(That's a boring answer though, I wanted to share more) God ALWAYS shows up for me.

This last Wednesday was like a Rejuvenate Jeremy Day. I got to go to Elitches, which was packed, and have a little fun (hey, it only cost $15 bucks to get in). Then I got home and went straight to the Klop-Stop for youth group. That youth group went DEEP. It was so good. After that I hung out with Zach, which was by far the most helpful thing.

We went to Chuck E. Cheese (which shows how awesome we are) and had a blast, NO JOKE. It was great fighting fires and getting tickets with Zach and I almost died in this crazy murderous bubble thing (plus I got this wicked GIANT pink ring and some stickers). After goofin' around, we went to DQ and got some Blizzards (we gave the workers there the ring and stickers because they seemed bummed). We parked in the parking lot and watched this creepy dude walk around. He set off a car alarm and we soon decided that we were going to be murdered if we stayed there so we went to a less creepy spot and talked.

The talk was great and ranged from nearly everything I felt was crushing me. We talked about family, friends and we touched a little bit into the future. It was great. It's conversations like this that I strive for. Whether it's over some intense issue or some amazing praise, getting to hang out and talk to some close guy-friend like Zach is always the best remedy for me. Zach encouraged me and helped build me back up.

Now, the issues aren't gone, but the dry and lifeless feeling is. Something I wouldn't mind doing now is talking about what I probably have the hardest time talking about, which is an open wound dealt by my dad that I haven't given enough attention to. I've talked about it before, but I don't feel like I've done a whole awful lot to close it up.

What I got out of this long, tedious dry spot is that God WILL always show up and even though the future looks frightening, he'll give me Chuck E. Cheese moments and deep, healing conversations. He'll never put me through anything I can't handle. He'll show up like a loving Father.